Robot Face Magnet

I'd probably lose a lot of weight if this was on my fridge. Thanks to Thea for the submission.

Squirrel Underpants

Those of you who know me, know I hate squirrels. They are like tiny vicious bears that steal your bagel when all you wanted to do was enjoy that bagel in the park while reading the paper when they rip it out of your hand and threaten to scratch your eyes out with their tiny bear claws.

So why should we give them underwear? Let the world see how inappropriate they are without our interference of clothing and decency!!

Wine Sweater

I almost started crying when I saw this at Pier One. I've been looking for sweaters for my wine bottles for years!!! They get so cold sometimes and I worry about them.

Instant Coffee Brewer

Starbucks is selling a $70 machine that brews their instant coffee. Nice! Or you could buy a microwave.

Fabriche American Muscial Santa

In honor of Independence Day and Christmas, don't buy me this. Birth of Christ + Birth of a Nation = don't buy me this. Oooh wait! Unless patriotic Santa is giving me an Indian!

Nose Gel Dispenser

This is great! I haven't washed myself in boogers since I was little. Meeemoriessss...like the corners of my nose...sticky snotty covered memmooriess...of the way we bathed.

Red Exerciser

THIS IS STILL GETTING PRODUCED AND PEOPLE ARE STILL BUYING IT!

I will kick you in the face (and get a delightful butt and ab workout) if you buy this! It's a chair. A CHAIR!! I bet the same people buy this who continue to purchase those electrocution belts. Hell. I'm posting a picture of that too.



Damn people! There are so many versions of this belt! Ab Belt, Ab Tec, Sport Elec Ab, Shape-N-Tone, Abgymic, Quad Ab belt, Slendertone (which was recalled for setting people's stomachs on fire!), Waste Trimmer, Dezac Rio, Contour Abs, Absonic, OH DEAR LORD IT KEEPS GOING! There are probably a hundred or so incarnations of this stupid piece of garbage.

If your abs are so upsetting that you need to electrocute yourself to deal with the shame...dont' buy these products. Shrink your head instead of your gut.

Unko-san aka Mr. Feces

"The latest anime cartoon rage to go viral amongst high school girls in western Japan. Unko-san is a brown poo fairy who has the special power of being able to bestow good luck upon others less fortunate."

I keep going back to, because it remains relevant, WTF Japan. WTF.

Kush Support

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Boob pillow. HAHAHAHAHAHAH ah HAHAHAHAHAHA ha ha ahhhh

Okay, okay. I'm calm. How ever did women sleep in the past with their boobs touching?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay,okay. I'm good.

There's a website! AHAHAHAHAHA

Chelada

Who doesn't enjoy a refreshing glass of clam juice, tomatoes, and beer?

Hork.

Fire Footbag

For the extreme hackysack enthusiast in us all.

Pitch meeting -
"I like to kick things."
"I like to set things on fire."
"Let's set something on fire AND kick it!"
"Collaboration! It's sweeping the nation! It's a sweet sensation! Who needs education! Collaboration! Doodlie doo."

Double Sunglasses

C'mon. Even Dwayne Wayne wouldn't wear these.

Virtual Finger Game

So let me get this straight...I put my real finger into this box, and then a virtual finger appears? I'll take 10.

Wood Cross Table

If I were visiting your house and you served me dinner at this table, I'd wager that the china and silverware were not the only parts of grandma nearby.

emWave Stress Reliever

For only $200, you too can own this magical button that releases snake oil into your soul.

I read the entire product description and have no idea what this thing does. People are so gullible it makes me angry. Sooo angry. I need my emWave coherence to go from red to green so I can connect to my energy center.....

Metal Detector Sandals

This is awesome! I have always wanted sandals to alert me after I step on a bottle cap or a nail. These would be perfect if they could tweak them to notify you when you step on broken glass.

Hot Dog Toaster

You know what does the same thing in the same amount of time? A frying pan.

This is as useful as an electric quesadilla maker. Or a panini machine. Or *gasp* a foreman grill.

Bathroom Scale

Why does anyone need to know how much their bathroom weighs? Wocka wocka. But seriously. If you really think about it, does this do a better job than your mirror? Or your winter wardrobe that's two sizes bigger than your summer wardrobe? Do you need to know your weight down to the ounces? No. Just pay attention to your parts that bounce. es. I couldn't resist that rhyme.

Fanny Bank

I guess this is for when you run out of room for quarters in your own butt.

You Can Shave The Baby

WTF Japan. WTF.

White Castle Slider Scented Candle

Mmmm. Buy this to truly make your house smell like a home. less. shelter. bathroom.

Garden Yeti

This will scare away the REAL yeti!! I was THIS close to getting him to trust me and now he thinks there's another yeti moving in on his turf. If you buy me this, my yeti (Steven) will surely move to my neighbor's. I barely had a chance keeping him as it is now that my neighbor got a pool.

Nose Ring

Submitted by Junenoire. I'm getting her this for her birthday.

Facial Flex

I've always said, "I wish I had stronger cheeks." And now, it's not a futile dream.

Teeth Grillz

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Or eat? Or speak? Seriously. Can you eat with those things? Or manage to speak without a lisp? Some people spend a helluva lot of money to look stupid.

The H1N1 Destroying Wand

For the germaphobe who has everything. Or for a very specialized wizard.

24K Gold Epilator

What up party people! I wants my leg hair ripped out in style, ya'll. Word. Nothin' but pure gold gonna tug at my shame and tell it who's boss. Double word.

Boyfriend Arm Pillow

This is just sad.

Chicken Bread

KFC has managed to convince gullible Americans that they have "replaced" the bread in their sandwich with chicken. When really all they've done is remove the bread from your sandwich. If someone handed you 2 slices of ham with some cheese in between would you think, "Oh! A hambread sandwich!" No! You'd say, "Where's my damn bread?" You're paying MORE for LESS. I guess that is pretty American.

Vending Machine Dress

Wile E. Coyote wouldn't even buy this.

Dog High Chair

Repeat after me. Dogs are not people. Dogs are NOT people.

Motorized Ice Cream Cone

Has someone been licking your brain? Why would anyone buy this?

Banana Slicer

Bananas are a tool-less food! Unless you're a tool.

Toilet Monster

Speaking of crap...

Giant Swiss Army Knife

This is real. Real stupid. May you never be trapped in a jungle while you're on fire and buried in chains while fighting a tiger and filing your taxes and all the while needing a way to trim your cigar. And change your tire. And deliver a baby.

Monkey Painting

Thanks for the heads up Ces. I know it's on sale for 50% off, but please don't buy me the 4 foot by 6 foot of this for the low low price of $695!

Dog Snuggie

Submitted to me by Karen Yacobucci, "Everytime I see the snuggy I think to myself...this is one minute of my life ending at a time. It's unholy."

The dog snuggie is for the lazy dog who can't decide between a dog blanket or dog bathrobe. The jury is still out on whether the dog snuggie is acceptable dog attire for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Belly Phones

So your fetus can privately listen to the game while you watch your stories.

Winking Jeans

Please, stare at my fat ass. While it stares back at you.

Time Out Doll

What is the point of this? To replace a dead child? To scare houseguests? Besides being useless, this is creepy.

Glow in the Dark Hockey Puck

You know. For when you need to play hockey in the dark.

Screwcap Wine Opener

Screw caps were invented so you didn't NEED an opener. Screw this.

Dog Wig

This one doesn't even need a comment.

Egg Pants

My eggs get along just fine without pants.

Mantle Scarf

My mantle is not cold. It does not need a scarf. While you are not buying me this, please don't buy me anything else from the store Lacy Touches.

Singing Fish

Courtesy of Padraic's Twitter. Seriously. What the crap is the purpose of this?

Desk Fountain

I don't want one. The only purpose of this is to take up limited desk space, make me have to pee all day, and get important documents and electronics wet.