Facial Flex

I've always said, "I wish I had stronger cheeks." And now, it's not a futile dream.

Teeth Grillz

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Or eat? Or speak? Seriously. Can you eat with those things? Or manage to speak without a lisp? Some people spend a helluva lot of money to look stupid.

The H1N1 Destroying Wand

For the germaphobe who has everything. Or for a very specialized wizard.

24K Gold Epilator

What up party people! I wants my leg hair ripped out in style, ya'll. Word. Nothin' but pure gold gonna tug at my shame and tell it who's boss. Double word.

Boyfriend Arm Pillow

This is just sad.

Chicken Bread

KFC has managed to convince gullible Americans that they have "replaced" the bread in their sandwich with chicken. When really all they've done is remove the bread from your sandwich. If someone handed you 2 slices of ham with some cheese in between would you think, "Oh! A hambread sandwich!" No! You'd say, "Where's my damn bread?" You're paying MORE for LESS. I guess that is pretty American.

Vending Machine Dress

Wile E. Coyote wouldn't even buy this.

Dog High Chair

Repeat after me. Dogs are not people. Dogs are NOT people.

Motorized Ice Cream Cone

Has someone been licking your brain? Why would anyone buy this?

Banana Slicer

Bananas are a tool-less food! Unless you're a tool.

Toilet Monster

Speaking of crap...

Giant Swiss Army Knife

This is real. Real stupid. May you never be trapped in a jungle while you're on fire and buried in chains while fighting a tiger and filing your taxes and all the while needing a way to trim your cigar. And change your tire. And deliver a baby.

Monkey Painting

Thanks for the heads up Ces. I know it's on sale for 50% off, but please don't buy me the 4 foot by 6 foot of this for the low low price of $695!

Dog Snuggie

Submitted to me by Karen Yacobucci, "Everytime I see the snuggy I think to myself...this is one minute of my life ending at a time. It's unholy."

The dog snuggie is for the lazy dog who can't decide between a dog blanket or dog bathrobe. The jury is still out on whether the dog snuggie is acceptable dog attire for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Belly Phones

So your fetus can privately listen to the game while you watch your stories.

Winking Jeans

Please, stare at my fat ass. While it stares back at you.

Time Out Doll

What is the point of this? To replace a dead child? To scare houseguests? Besides being useless, this is creepy.

Glow in the Dark Hockey Puck

You know. For when you need to play hockey in the dark.

Screwcap Wine Opener

Screw caps were invented so you didn't NEED an opener. Screw this.

Dog Wig

This one doesn't even need a comment.

Egg Pants

My eggs get along just fine without pants.

Mantle Scarf

My mantle is not cold. It does not need a scarf. While you are not buying me this, please don't buy me anything else from the store Lacy Touches.

Singing Fish

Courtesy of Padraic's Twitter. Seriously. What the crap is the purpose of this?

Desk Fountain

I don't want one. The only purpose of this is to take up limited desk space, make me have to pee all day, and get important documents and electronics wet.